My motto during this pregnancy has been "day by day, step by step." I've been savoring every single moment, baby kick, belly rub, and body change. For the most part, I feel great physically. However last week while on vacation I started asking myself some tough questions. They made me think and are currently helping me evolve as I work on answering them.
I've been struggling with this one specifically: Who am I?
When that question popped up, I was shocked. I was certain that I knew what the answer would be...but I wasn't. When I started mentally rattling off my responses, I was disappointed in them. Lately, I've felt like my identity is wrapped up in motherhood and wife-life. Not to any fault of my children or husband, either. I slipped into a role of complacency because life happens, and so can shifts in our identity.
Before getting pregnant with baby number 2, I was convinced that this journey was what I needed to find my creative voice again, to feel whole and new, to start working on my fourth book and moving on from the journey of trying to conceive. After longing for new life for so long, I thought it would be a rebirth for me. But instead what I am realizing is that I lost pieces of myself in the process. Significant personal life changes stop me in my tracks. I'm not (always) good with them, and they tend to impact me in ways that can sway my individuality.
During my meditation this morning, I started to notice a pattern: When I fell in love, I had writer's block for over a year because I finally had what I'd been wanting and writing about. When I published my 2nd book bringing the 3rd to fruition was gut wrenchingly difficult. When I got married, another major shift happened as I took on the role of being someone's wife. When I got pregnant this time around, I arrived at this place of relief and completeness.
What the meditation made clear is this: I took on all those things as self-identifiers instead of accents to who I am (individually) as a whole. Lawd, journeying through self-awareness is eye opening! I share this all to say, let your humanness shine through even when you're questioning your path and life walk. Continue to DO THE WORK. If you're not periodically doing self-check ins, you may lose yourself And if that happens, it's alright! Finding your way back is where the lessons live. Know that you can't always prepare for life and its changes even when you try hard to do so.
Who you feel you are today, may not be who you show up as tomorrow. The question "who am I?" will continue to change depending on where you are in life- day by day, step by step. Evolution isn't always sequential.