I am in the final stretch of pregnancy. With a little over a month a left to go, time has seemed to slow down. My third-trimester fatigue has heightened, and both me and baby have grown immensely over the past eight months and some change. I feel really good these days. Content. Happy. Satisfied that I have found a new meaning of creating home, not only for another human being but for myself.
The older I get, the more I understand that finding myself (entirely) plays a significant part in living freely, authentically, and intentionally. There is no way to create a haven within if pieces of me are still lost, scattered, and in hiding. This pregnancy has opened my eyes to that, way more than before. Perhaps it's because I have so much extra time on my hands that thinking and napping are pretty much all I do. I have been forced to make even more shifts and changes during my solitude as I prepare to welcome a new life into our family. Through my journey to self, I have found myself stuck in certain aspects, particularly, when it comes to forgiveness. Quite a few emotional things from my past have resurfaced that I wasn't prepared to deal with, especially during this time. But of course, that is how it always works. Our things come to the surface when we least expect or want them to.
During my days of thinking and trying to understand certain elements of my life, I have come to strongly realize that the only way I can be truly free is if I greet forgiveness with openness and the possibility for emotional reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean to forget, nor does it translate into reassembling external relationships that we don't feel supported in. However, it does require acknowledgment, acceptance, and the ability to let go. Acceptance and letting go are most challenging for me. And being a control freak over my life and what happens in it (how unrealistic is that?!) doesn't make tackling those two things an easy task. Nevertheless, as I move through this pregnancy with a new found sense of home and awareness, I am also learning to walk through forgiveness in a way that is more intentional.
My forgiveness looks like releasing the anger and hurt of the past and deciding to walk forward in love and greater understanding. This requires vulnerability and softness. We cannot travel through forgiveness if our hearts are hardened. As we step into the last month of 2017, I am choosing to lead my pain, anxiety, and uncertainty through the doors of forgiveness, mercy, and grace. I am in charge of my healing and how I move through the world even when it's uncomfortable. Creating home means rearranging and that is what I plan to do.