update: this blogcast thing inspired me to start an actual podcast! we are 5 episodes in. you can listen to "hey, girl." episodes here.
It's cold out. So damn cold. I can feel the whistling fridged air seeping through our poorly constructed and installed apartment windows. I have brown African mud cloth lining them to fight the chill; it's working some. Nevertheless, it's warmer in here than it is out there, so a little draft won't kill me. Despite the photo attached to this journal entry, I am snuggled up in oversized gray lounge pants, thick knit socks, and my husband's gray thermal. Cozy Sunday Vibes 101.
Last week, on the third, was the one year anniversary of our first positive pregnancy test. Last Tuesday wasn't as hard as I imagined it would be, being as though we don't have a baby to show from that test. This week may be okay. I don't remember when I started miscarrying this time last year, but the one year anniversary of that is coming up, too. We haven't gotten pregnant since, and we are still trying, and I am praying that 2017 will be our year to welcome a new baby into our family. I want that for us. We all do. I took to my journal yesterday and could only write down a few sentences. Thinking about the loss; still, a year later is maddening, but it reminds me that I am human. It reminds me that I need patience. It reminds me to love what I have and cherish the now. So, I will. Or, at least, I will try to. And when I get angry about the miscarriage, I will write it out, because that's truly all I can do at this point.
Ryan and I have considered IVF on a serious level, twice now. The last time being a few days ago. I made the appointment to start the process and everything. I even got bloodwork done to double check my egg count reserve. Our 6 IUI's (artificial insemination) haven't worked yet, clearly. But we've backed out of taking on Invitro because it's a lot, so much, that I can't even realistically wrap my mind around it. All the drugs and hormones and shots that I would have to take blows my mind to bits, Ryan's too. He feels bad that I would have to go through all that stuff on behalf of his sperm not "working." But, nevertheless, we are in this together, knee deep, and will continue to be. I suppose, renigging on IVF is our faith and hope attempting to work for us. The last meeting we had with our fertility doctor, he recommended that we consider the upward of $30,000 procedure. Due to us having a sperm issue, we would need the advanced IVF which consists of intense scientific things that I can't even begin to explain. He said, "the sperm morphology problem isn't really improving." I just keep hearing that over and over in my head. If I am speaking honestly, I feel kind of brainwashed by this whole infertility experience. It's like we are to the point now where it's IVF for baby or no baby. Realistically, I know we can get pregnant naturally, it happened before, and Ryan's numbers have doubled (without prescription drugs) with the help of herbal supplements, boxer wearing only, and acupuncture. Waiting is what's driving us both crazy. Trying to keep the faith, is too.
Regardless of this painful and heartache'ing journey, I am staying mindful of the things I am entertaining in thought as we continue to travel along this road. Honestly, there is no room for doubt. There can't be, because that will just get in the way of what we are trying to grow and build. We mustn't journey backward in doubt but forward in faith. Our baby is coming, but in the meantime, we will have to be patient, wait, and continue to trust the process.