My husband and I were out the other day and my weight came up. It has been for quite some time. Not by him, by me. I have gained 24lbs since falling in love with him. I jokingly say that it's all his fault. While that's not true (entirely, lol) coming to the realization that after almost 4 years, I am over twenty pounds heavier, didn't sit well. It made me feel disappointed. I haven't been as active since we met, and that sunk in heavily the other day.
While I do work out (some) I am not in the shape that I want to be. I am 156lbs. The weight doesn't look bad on me, but I am a lot more soft and fluffy than I once was. My thighs and butt are fuller than I like, and my face is a bit rounder than preferred. In reality, even though I tease at my husband about this love weight being because of him, it's no one's fault but my own. Being three years from 30, my metabolism has definitely slowed down. My ballet body isn't what it used to be. In fact, it's non-existent. However, I have been happy and deep in love and eating out (way more than I should). All of those things I enjoy, in between my zumba classes, that leave me out of breath each and every time.
Today I needed a body positive reminder, and for me, that looks like linking up with one of my dear friends, Erika Layne, for a photo session. I purchased some new undies and loungewear the other day and when I put them on I did not feel sexy or beautiful. I felt like I need to hit the gym so I can look "good" in my new underwear. That's no way to feel. It's negative self-talk. No bueno. My husband, of course, thought I looked wonderful. His compliments were met with "I look fat and disgusting." No bueno x2.
During my shoot with Erika, I felt beyond uncomfortable. My pouch was poking, my rolls were rolling, and I was not feeling it. Erika asked me a few times if I was ok. I wasn't, but I pushed through because I know I do not look as bad as I feel I do. Eventually, we got some shots that I liked and I loosened up.
There were a lot of photos of me trying to "cover" my "flaws." As I was driving home I thought about how ridiculous I was being and have been to myself. My goal in life isn't to be perfect or skinny, it's to be a good person to myself and others. I want to be healthy and in shape, not for the scale but for my overall wellness. And (here's the kicker!) if I don't like something about my body weight, I can change it by being consistent and active, which I have not been doing. Wallowing in negative self-talk and not being body positive doesn't help the process, at all. I know this, but sometimes I have to check myself. Hard.
"Wife weight." That is what Ryan calls my new body. I am embracing my no longer size four frame, one day at a time. He's embraced it all along. From small to thick to thicker. Starting today, I will be practicing loving my thickness, fullness, and pouch more. I am also going to start doing more to reach the goals that I have physically. Not to be skinny, but to be strong, in shape, and confident.