My mommy flashbacks have been super intense this weekend. Maybe it's because I am approaching 26 years in a couple of weeks, or maybe it's because my daughter will be eight years old in November (where has the time gone?!). It also may be because I have baby fever, badly. Nevertheless, every time I look at my beautiful little girl, I realize how not ready I am for her to grow up. Like, at all. In reality, this might be a silly feeling to have but it is alive and well in my life currently. I have been watching baby videos of Char all weekend and tears flow heavily from my eyes each time! Yesterday I had to get myself together emotionally. Watching the videos left me feeling so much joy. However, sadness and fear snuck in which translated into tears, tears and more tears. My feelings poured down my face like waterfalls. Poor Ryan was doing his best console me. His hugs and reassuring words helped a lot!
After being 100% with myself about how I was feeling, I came to the realization that I am nervous about "handing" my daughter over to the world. That may sound dramatic, but that's a real fear of mine. Char is so sweet, innocent and loving-- I want her to stay this way forever. A part of me shelters her from the "bad stuff" but I know this isn't an infinite option. She will have to learn and journey on her own when she is older (insert frantic face here). That alone bothers me, but I am slowly coming to terms with it. I feel strange for not being ready for her to grow up, that is a key part of life, I know this. A part of me wants to tell myself to " get over it!" but I can't right now. Perhaps I will grow more open to the idea of her not being my "baby" anymore; as of now I am not. I miss her being my little munchkin but in the same breath, I love watching her grow up into a lovely little lady. It's like a catch 22. My prayer is that I am doing a good enough job with her so that when she starts becoming more independent, she will hold my lessons and love close.
Ugh! It's so hard to as a parent to go through these changes. I know I cannot be the only one who feels this way. It's almost like when you have children you see time fly away right before your eyes. You are watching another person's growth and evolution step by step. It is a beautiful thing to witness and experience but at the end of the day, momma is NOT READY! I know that will change eventually but right now, I am going to honor my feelings of not being emotionally prepared for what's to come.