"Are you happy?"
I ask myself that question a lot, especially lately. Conversations with yourself are important even when you are afraid of the dialog ahead. Like everyone else, happiness is the goal. Being one hundred percent happy with my choices, my love life, my mothering skills, and my career means a lot to me. While I know that being human means unhappiness might try to settle in randomly sometimes, owning my genuine happiness helps overshadow any doubt that sweeps in.
While frolicking about yesterday, I was standing in what normally is a lake, a pretty deep one at that. The ground was sprinkled with a white straw grass-like plant. It was about sixty degrees, but it looked like I was standing in a field of frost. That was pretty amazing. I find myself being more introspective as I get older. I suppose that happens with age and life, but it's been present more than ever in this 26th year of living. Standing there, in the empty lake, full of dead beauty that will come back to lush life when it's water returns made me feel something. Waking up and writing this today, I still can't put my finger on what that feeling is. In the midst of the feels, and the land, and the clicks of the camera, I was thinking are you happy? Do you enjoy this? How does this make you feel? Why does it make you feel the way it does? Sometimes those self-talks make me uncomfortable because I don't always have the answers. Or perhaps, I don't always want the answers.
Most days I feel happy, not overwhelmingly so, but I feel it. Being four from thirty leaves me with more anxiety than happiness, though (if we are being completely honest). I've been wondering if this is normal. Feeling like oh shit!, time is flying and should I be where I am now, really? It's been harder for me to live in the moment knowing that life is moving so quickly. However, reeling myself back to the enjoyment of "now" is more heightened. Which I am grateful for. Mindfulness is always a good thing. I remind myself that living for the day, and being happy in the moments I'm blessed with, is all that truly matters. We can only experience one day at a time.
Through it all, I understand that I am worth it. Settling is never an option and happiness is always the goal. These feelings make me feel human. They help me check myself and reset when I need to. Life is not neverending, and even though that scares me, even though this isn't a forever thing, the happiness, the enjoyment, the love-- it makes it all worth it.