I am writing this in between bites of sweet potato pie waffles and sips of my matcha spinach smoothie. Both are quite good. However, I would prefer to be drinking coffee. The window is open, and so are the blinds, a nice crisp Autumn breeze is coming and going in conjunction with the sound of driving cars and their impatient operators honking horns. Nevertheless, I feel extremely at peace right now taking in all of the sounds and flavors around me. Lately, I have been feeling anxious. Anxious about my third book and not being able to finish it, anxious about moving in May (we are house hunting), anxious about being OK in the long run on this very intense (and real) creative career path...
The list could go on and on, but I'll spare you.
These recent moments of worry remind me of my humanness. They reel me back into the reality that I don't have it all together like I like to believe. I think God and the Universe work awesome together in humbling me when I lose myself in the world of "superwoman."
The other night while on travel in Atlanta, I was watching the news (which I never do), and I immediately got sad about all the tragedy that is happening in the world. The violence and the lack of empathy + sympathy of some humans took a major toll on me. The heartache and pain of those around the world sunk into my soul as though it had found a place to rest. My tears started flowing uncontrollably, and I let them. I prayed for peace at that moment, for the safety of people all over, for my family, for the many families of victims who have been greatly impacted by loss. There are moments when I wonder why I am still standing and how did I manage to encounter this much grace and favor. In those same moments, unworthiness rears its ugly head and tries to convince me that the life I live is not by grace but by chance. By habit, "why me?" crosses my mind every time something good happens in my life. That human feeling of doubt is normal, so I roll with it until it rolls off my back.
Feelings are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and understanding.
While watching the news and weeping (I know this sounds dramatic, but I was legit a mess!), a part of me felt weak for allowing so much of my heart to feel, but I needed to feel. I wanted to feel. It's easy to become numb to the madness. We stay on our track and our track only, we work, we tend to our lives, and that's it. But we are so much than monotonous beings here to serve ourselves and ourselves only. Daily I am reminded, even with doubt trying to sneak in, that I have dedicated my life to share my story + to help others. Not only that, I am worthy of the grace in which I'm given every single day. In my heart, I don't think I wake up "by chance" or that I'm still standing by mere circumstance. Convincing my mind to believe this regularly can be a journey in itself.
All in all, as humans who are extremely flawed and continuously offered moments to learn and grow, we should exercise believing in ourselves and trusting the journey ahead. As hard as this may be, we must honor the fact that we are here for a greater purpose. Our humanness can heal, our prayers count, our meditation matters and we can be the change should we so choose.
Happy Monday. :)